Desperate Serial Killer Seeking Significant Other

Time Stamp: Pre-Matt

Short, cute, slightly crazy woman seeking partner. Do you enjoy being simultaneously terrified and aroused out of your mind? Does awkwardness turn you on? Have you ever wanted to date a girl who is more obsessed with your penis than you are? Then we have got the person for you! Her name is Farley and she clocks in at 5’2″ 145lbs and is the most awkward person you will ever meet, but she is excited to meet you and your penis! If you meet the following qualifications, do not hesitate to get in touch:

Single, male, penis-having person, with a job, a car, a life, does not live with his mother, pro-choice, not Republican,who likes making his partner come, understands feminism, and likes cats. Must be willing to give massages and cook. Farley will give massages in return and help with dishes.

“What do you think?” Farley asked, rocking back and forth on her feet in excitement.

“You are insane,” Anne said, handing her back the advert. “No one will ever respond to that because you sound like a serial killer rapist.”

“Lies! You are so mean!” Farley clutched the paper to her chest, paused and then said, “So do you mean I sound like a serial killer who rapes or a person who rapes serial killers?”

Anne dropped her head on the table and tried not to cry.

“Not that either one is good, but is one better than the other?” Farley squinted down at her advertisement. “I didn’t think it sounded rapey, did I focus on the penis too much again?”

Anne mumbled something into the table.

“What?” Farley said, looking up at her.

“You need to rewrite the whole thing,” Anne told her. “Nothing in there is salvageable except maybe a few pieces of your description of the dude. Where the hell were you going to post this anyways?”

“Craigslist,” Farley said.

“Oh, God.” Anne dropped her head back on the table.

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