Hi Everyone, I struggled with whether or not to bring to attention the date, but seeing as how I live in NYC and many of my coworkers were here when the towers went down I just want to acknowledge it. I was in middle school when 9/11 happened, I can remember being brought to the…
Tag: epistolary
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street, Let’s pretend we’re back in Regency England. You don’t talk to me unless you have a proper introduction and I won’t have to challenge you to pistols at dawn for being an offensive, classless worm of a human being with no honor or…
Dear Myself
Dear Myself, I have to talk to you about something, something difficult, that has been affecting our relationship for years, maybe even over a decade. Please don’t take this the wrong way, although there is no kind way to say this, know that I want to mitigate any confusion and future misunderstandings by being completely…
Dear Publisher
Dear Publisher, I do not care how little you think of my title or how much you believe that it will not inspire the masses to purchase my stimulating autobiography. Michelle L. Austin Born to Use MLA Is an instant hit and classic. I will crunch the numbers and get back to you, but I…
Hey Straight Boys
Hey Straight Boys, Quick! Find something big and strong to anchor your masculinity to because I just bought my first strap-on and it is time to plough some booty. Aw yiiiisssss. -A girl with more inches than you
An Open Letter About Ball Sweat
Dear Dudes, Look, I get it. It’s hot out. We just survived the hottest month of the year (on average for New York) and we are almost out of the dog days of summer. It is humid and sweaty and sticky and nasty out, but that is no excuse for your stank. I would apologize…
Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather
Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather, Could you knock it off please? I am a “young, up-and-coming professional,” which just means I got little to no expendable income, and my apartment did not come with AC. I am dying here. I come home late and spread out starkers in front of my fan, and barely have the energy…
Bad Bed Partners and Tattoos
Originally posted on capital2apple:
Dear Jane, I cannot believe I fall so low on your list of craft recipients. Whatever happened to hos before bros, and sisters before everyone else? I do understand and relate to your lamentations about how laundry, food, and enough sleep can very seriously cramp your creative flow. I love…
Hey Inconsiderate Shithead
Hey Inconsiderate Shithead – Turn that shit off. It is 7:45 in the morning and you are playing fucking candy crush with your sound on and no headphones. Some of us just want a quiet morning commute without having to be part of your inane obsession. The girl in front of me looks like she…
Work is Really Cramping my Crafting Time
Originally posted on capital2apple:
Dear Libby, I have been diligently working on my Christmas Stocking for Gavin and you can see the progress has been slow but steady. It is difficult to limit myself to only an hour of stitching each night. As each stitch is laid the picture develops more fully beneath my fingers…
Bastille Day and Festering Ponds
Originally posted on capital2apple:
Dear Jane, Joyeux quatorze juillet! Ouuaaaaiiis! C’est La fête nationale! Je suis très excité! HAPPY BASTILLE DAY MA SOEUR! Today, in 1789 the French Revolution began with the storming of the Bastille! I can still remember my high school French teacher telling me about the storming of the Bastille and…
Dear My Future Child[ren]
Dear My Future Child[ren], I love you. I am twenty-five years old and I have no idea when I will meet you. I am twenty-five and have no intention of having children any time soon, but I love you so much right now, I needed to write and tell you. It sounds insane, but it’s…
Little Gentian 