Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather,

Could you knock it off please? I am a “young, up-and-coming professional,” which just means I got little to no expendable income, and my apartment did not come with AC. I am dying here. I come home late and spread out starkers in front of my fan, and barely have the energy to text. I might have a guy coming over on Saturday and with the weather as it is all we’re going to do is eat popsicles and sweat (Mom, stop praying that that happens and do not recruit the aunties to help. I know I will lose, y’all are in better standing than I am).

My roomie and I have temporarily enacted the Nineties or Higher Nude Protocols and I made my breakfast and lunch naked this morning. This is untenable! I don’t want to buy an AC unit for the next couple days! I like having real air moving through my apartment. I like not waking up with a stuffy nose and cough!

So, pleaaaaaaase, please. Could you cool down? Just a little? I implore you.

With utmost respect and hope,

-A sweaty, gross, young, up-and-coming professional