Category: Do Not Deliver

I Don’t Even Know

I do not even know to whom I should address this letter, but here it is: Fix the fucking MTA before NYC takes to the streets and does something you will sorely regret. We are sick of 45 minute commutes taking 2 hours. We are sick of every single option to get home being “delayed…

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My Dearest Michelle

My Dearest Michelle, It has been a little while since I last wrote a love note, much less a love letter and I find myself at a bit of a loss on how to start. I know that in our day-to-day lives I tend to withhold praise and adulation, but I do hope you know…

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Hey Anxiety

Hey Anxiety, Go fuck yourself. I am on vacation and you’re not going to fuck this one up. With Conviction, An Anxiety-Riddled Person

To Those Who Won the Genetic Lottery

To Those Who Won the Genetic Lottery: Not all of us can tan. WE JUST CAN’T. Please stop trying to explain to me the best way to get a tan, what methods of sunscreen application alternated with what-the-fuck-ever, and how long on each side for optimal crispiness without burn. I, and my fellow living ghosts,…

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Dear Upstairs Neighbor

Dear Upstairs Neighbor, I never thought I would live below someone who put an Above Average video to shame. The people before you would stomp on the floor in time to me pounding chicken breasts flat for recipes. So when they left, I was actually kind of happy. Then you moved in and every fucking…

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Hello Personal Fulfillment

Hello Personal Fulfillment, I hope you receive this letter, I can’t seem to find your address and no one else seems to know exactly how to find you. There are a bunch of greasy snake oil salespeople running around waving your address in the air, but whenever I look closely, they’re all fake. It seems to…

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Two Concurrent Letters

Dear Women Who Love Women, I am sorry. I tried, but no luck. With love and sincere longing, A (Regretfully) Straight Girl Hey Men Who Love Women, You are my only recourse. With resignation and reluctant resolve, A Straight Girl

Dear [Employers Name Here]

Dear [Employers Name Here], I feel like you are punishing me for being a good worker. I know I am competent and capable. I know that I do a good job, quickly and efficiently, but why does that mean my reward is more work and no empathy? Why does this mean you pull me into…

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Dear Universe

Dear Universe, A poop that big is not supposed to come out of a creature that small. Sincerely, Disturbed Human

Hey Numbnuts

Hey Numbnuts, It’s fucking rude and annoying to stand directly in front of an opening subway door while on the platform for many reasons. Firstly, you are deliberately cutting in front of the people who are following etiquette and standing slightly to the side. Secondly, you are blocking the train passengers from being able to…

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Coffee and Knees

She put her empty deli coffee cup into her bag, a few napkins stuffed into the opening to prevent the one or two drops of precious caffeine that even the most experienced and addicted of coffee drinkers cannot shake from the cup. The bag is a monster of a leather purse that takes up almost…

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