To Those Who Won the Genetic Lottery:

Not all of us can tan. WE JUST CAN’T. Please stop trying to explain to me the best way to get a tan, what methods of sunscreen application alternated with what-the-fuck-ever, and how long on each side for optimal crispiness without burn.

I, and my fellow living ghosts, BURN. We are half a step up from vampires. If we go to the corner store and back without sunscreen we turn into lobsters or charcoal. It is just the way of things for us. I am sorry that my legs will ALWAYS blind you when I wear shorts, but there is literally nothing I can do.* So chill out, order another umbrella drink, put on your SPF 6 tanning lotion, roll over, and leave me swaddled in my sweatshirt and towel.

Sincerely,

Committee to Pursue Peaceful Summers for Deathly White People Who Will Never Tan

*I refuse to slather myself with chemicals to give myself an artificial tan.