Dear Dudes,

Look, I get it. It’s hot out. We just survived the hottest month of the year (on average for New York) and we are almost out of the dog days of summer. It is humid and sweaty and sticky and nasty out, but that is no excuse for your stank. I would apologize for coming off rude, but I am not sorry. I am so fucking sick of getting on a subway train and being two seconds from dry heaving because I had the misfortune of assuming I could inhale through my nose. And do not give me some sob story about how it’s not your fault and sweat happens.

Yes, sweat happens, that’s what baby powder and other preventive measures are for (http://www.menshealth.com/grooming/defunk-your-junk). It pisses me off to no end because the guy who is stinking up the whole fucking train, never looks ashamed, never looks anxious or worried, or as if he even SUSPECTS that he is the reason I gagged and nearly lost my breakfast. Usually, he’s sitting their with his knees spread wide apart looking as if nothing is wrong and as if he is gifting us with his sweaty, swampy, ball stench. I am by no means saying my crotch never smells, it does! It’s SUMMER! It’s HOT! It’s HUMID! BUT I HAVE THE DECENCY TO KEEP MY KNEES TOGETHER AND TRY TO MINIMIZE ANY UNSUSPECTING VICTIMS! For fuck’s sake!

Tl;dr – your ball stink is for you alone. Keep it to yourself. Keep your knees together and use some preventative measures. I am sure there are people out there who find that stomach churning odor attractive, but the majority of the population just thinks you’re an asshole.

Powder that shit.

-Hot, sweaty, but still decently smelling New Yorker