The Week of 12/4/2005 Witty one liner: As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Quote of the week: “Empathy is your pain in my heart.” – Unknown Offbeat oddity (courtesy of the planner): An underground mushroom in Oregon is 3.5 miles across and covers an area larger than 1,600…
Tag: slice of life
Wax on, Wax Off
Farley was a low-maintenance kind of girl and she liked that about herself. It didn’t take her three hours to get out of the apartment in the morning and she didn’t spend half of her paycheck on beauty supplies. Makeup was typically a once a week occurrence reserved for the days when the stars aligned…
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street, Let’s pretend we’re back in Regency England. You don’t talk to me unless you have a proper introduction and I won’t have to challenge you to pistols at dawn for being an offensive, classless worm of a human being with no honor or…
An Open Letter About Ball Sweat
Dear Dudes, Look, I get it. It’s hot out. We just survived the hottest month of the year (on average for New York) and we are almost out of the dog days of summer. It is humid and sweaty and sticky and nasty out, but that is no excuse for your stank. I would apologize…
Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather
Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather, Could you knock it off please? I am a “young, up-and-coming professional,” which just means I got little to no expendable income, and my apartment did not come with AC. I am dying here. I come home late and spread out starkers in front of my fan, and barely have the energy…
One Time!
Farley wandered into her roommate’s bedroom and face-planted in her bed, whining loudly. Anne ignored her until Farley started poking her nonstop. “What is it, Farley?” Ann asked as she bookmarked her page. “My dick is three states away,” Farley whimpered, rolling her head to the side so Anne could hear her. “Your…dick?” Anne was…
Hey Inconsiderate Shithead
Hey Inconsiderate Shithead – Turn that shit off. It is 7:45 in the morning and you are playing fucking candy crush with your sound on and no headphones. Some of us just want a quiet morning commute without having to be part of your inane obsession. The girl in front of me looks like she…
Re-Evaluating Partner Choices
After her first gynecologist appointment, Farley’s annual vag checkup was old hat for her. She wasn’t even in the grin-and-bear-it-but-more-like-close-your-eyes-and-endure-it camp; she was firmly in the this-ain’t-no-big-deal-let’s-chat-while-you-put-shit-up-my-vag club. Since she only got to see her gynecologist once a year, her time to impress and traumatize was very short, and in five years she had yet…
Tit Talk #1
Some men name their penises and talk about them in the third person, so Farley refuses to let anyone make her feel weird about the fact that she calls her breasts “the girls” and that the three of them have pep talks. She started calling her breasts “the girls” in high school, but they didn’t…
Farley’s First Appointment
The first time Farley went to the gynecologist, she was nowhere near as blasé. She picked at the appointment like a half-healed scab, and ran to her mother every time it hurt. Her mother, to her credit, did her best to assuage her daughter’s worries and fears, but a mother’s assurances can only do so…
Hey God, are you there? It’s me, Michelle
Hey God, I know you’ll never give me more than I can handle, but you could please stop fucking trusting me so much? I need a fucking break. All the love and respect, Overwrought Raised Catholic
It’s a Gift
Please welcome Farley to our family! Farley liked to think she was conversationally gifted and she liked to share this gift with others as often as possible. She had a way with the English language that most people could only dream of having. Growing up, she had been the nerdy asshole who called people…
Little Gentian 