Dear Employer, I have decided you need to install heated seats and seat backs in all desk chairs. They figured out how to do it in cars, I have faith you will have one installed at my desk chair by end of day Monday. Cheers, Michelle
Tag: letters
Anxiety, Let’s Talk.
Anxiety, Let’s Talk. I know you stem from a plethora of things rooted in my childhood and adolescence, and even young adulthood, but that’s not really what I want to talk about. I wanted to sit down and talk with you because I hope that once you see how you affect me, you might ease…
Hey CNY
Hey CNY, You have ruined me for natural disasters and inclement weather. In 2012, my first Fall in NYC, when Super Storm Sandy was being broadcast everywhere, I scoffed. Hurricanes! Just a little rain and wind this far north! Turned out I was in at the edge of Zone 2 and the school evacuated our…
Yo! Two glasses of wine!
Yo! Two glasses of wine! I know I am not a karaoke star and that this is not a movie. Stop trying to convince me that the music piping in through my Beats is surround sound to my own personal music video. I will not dance around this subway car to Taylor Swift! I know…
Dear Butt
Dear Butt, I know you think you’re adorable and the center of the universe, but you’re not and you need to stop expanding and making my pants too tight. Also, just because I buy you cute underwear does not mean you are my favorite body part, so stop telling everyone that. My knees are getting…
Dear Fellow Feminists and Everyone Else
Dear Fellow Feminists and Everyone Else, Happy International Men’s Day. I am saying that un-ironically and hope that you can, too. There are a lot of people out there denigrating this day because “isn’t every day men’s day” and “this is like having a white history month.” Yes, if International Men’s Day applied to only…
Dear Vulnerable Subway Riders
Dear Vulnerable Subway Riders, I know how you feel so here is my first Subway Self-Defense Tip/Technique! When riding on the subway during rush hours – when there is barely any space between you and the next person and you can’t tell if that’s because there is actually no space or because they are a…
Hello
Hello, I don’t know to whom to address this note. I am a twenty-five year old straight white cisgendered female and I am sick of feeling hopeless. Most days I can go through my day and ignore the truth, but then there are days where I watch something or read something and it throws off…
A Somber Day
Hi Everyone, I struggled with whether or not to bring to attention the date, but seeing as how I live in NYC and many of my coworkers were here when the towers went down I just want to acknowledge it. I was in middle school when 9/11 happened, I can remember being brought to the…
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street, Let’s pretend we’re back in Regency England. You don’t talk to me unless you have a proper introduction and I won’t have to challenge you to pistols at dawn for being an offensive, classless worm of a human being with no honor or…
Dear Publisher
Dear Publisher, I do not care how little you think of my title or how much you believe that it will not inspire the masses to purchase my stimulating autobiography. Michelle L. Austin Born to Use MLA Is an instant hit and classic. I will crunch the numbers and get back to you, but I…
Hey Straight Boys
Hey Straight Boys, Quick! Find something big and strong to anchor your masculinity to because I just bought my first strap-on and it is time to plough some booty. Aw yiiiisssss. -A girl with more inches than you
Little Gentian 