(I considered starting this letter with “Dear Subway Harassers,” but that was much too kind for the kind of shit you pull day in and day out. Last week I put out a letter to vulnerable subway riders and as I published it on my blog I had the realization that I was doing it…
Category: Do Not Deliver
Dear Vulnerable Subway Riders
Dear Vulnerable Subway Riders, I know how you feel so here is my first Subway Self-Defense Tip/Technique! When riding on the subway during rush hours – when there is barely any space between you and the next person and you can’t tell if that’s because there is actually no space or because they are a…
Hello
Hello, I don’t know to whom to address this note. I am a twenty-five year old straight white cisgendered female and I am sick of feeling hopeless. Most days I can go through my day and ignore the truth, but then there are days where I watch something or read something and it throws off…
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street
To Every Straight Man Trying to Get My Attention on the Street, Let’s pretend we’re back in Regency England. You don’t talk to me unless you have a proper introduction and I won’t have to challenge you to pistols at dawn for being an offensive, classless worm of a human being with no honor or…
Dear Myself
Dear Myself, I have to talk to you about something, something difficult, that has been affecting our relationship for years, maybe even over a decade. Please don’t take this the wrong way, although there is no kind way to say this, know that I want to mitigate any confusion and future misunderstandings by being completely…
Dear Publisher
Dear Publisher, I do not care how little you think of my title or how much you believe that it will not inspire the masses to purchase my stimulating autobiography. Michelle L. Austin Born to Use MLA Is an instant hit and classic. I will crunch the numbers and get back to you, but I…
Hey Straight Boys
Hey Straight Boys, Quick! Find something big and strong to anchor your masculinity to because I just bought my first strap-on and it is time to plough some booty. Aw yiiiisssss. -A girl with more inches than you
An Open Letter About Ball Sweat
Dear Dudes, Look, I get it. It’s hot out. We just survived the hottest month of the year (on average for New York) and we are almost out of the dog days of summer. It is humid and sweaty and sticky and nasty out, but that is no excuse for your stank. I would apologize…
Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather
Dear Heat/Global Warming/Weather, Could you knock it off please? I am a “young, up-and-coming professional,” which just means I got little to no expendable income, and my apartment did not come with AC. I am dying here. I come home late and spread out starkers in front of my fan, and barely have the energy…
Hey Inconsiderate Shithead
Hey Inconsiderate Shithead – Turn that shit off. It is 7:45 in the morning and you are playing fucking candy crush with your sound on and no headphones. Some of us just want a quiet morning commute without having to be part of your inane obsession. The girl in front of me looks like she…
Classified Revisited
Recent creative writing MFA graduate and administrative assistant seeking: male between the ages of 23 and 40 (reasonably flexible on age). Must give actual massages, not just running hands up and down their partner’s back as a prelude to sex. Must either have played hockey in the past, love watching professional hockey, and/or be open…
Dear My Future Child[ren]
Dear My Future Child[ren], I love you. I am twenty-five years old and I have no idea when I will meet you. I am twenty-five and have no intention of having children any time soon, but I love you so much right now, I needed to write and tell you. It sounds insane, but it’s…
Little Gentian 