Yo, Past Michelle, Why the fuck did you put this creepy-ass song on this otherwise pleasant and awesome playlist? Every time it comes on it freaks me out and ruins perfectly good moments. Dude, seriously! Frustratedly Yours, Present Michelle
Category: Do Not Deliver
Dear Life
Dear Life, Please stop “happening,” I need to get a bunch of shit done. Do you know how hard it is to write and commit to your dreams when YOU keep “happening?” Tone down the “happening” please and I will not have to resort to running away screaming to a cave and hermiting for the…
Dear Disorganized Procrastinators
Dear Disorganized Procrastinators, You stress me out. Knock it off. Sincerely, An Uptight, OCD Planner
#ExBaristaProblems
Dear World, This is not a post where I bemoan people’s inability to foam my milk properly or how I miss access to free coffee. This is not that post. Coffee shops are warm in the winter and (sometimes) cool in the summer. They are busy and you don’t have to get past a host…
Dear Employer
Dear Employer, I have decided you need to install heated seats and seat backs in all desk chairs. They figured out how to do it in cars, I have faith you will have one installed at my desk chair by end of day Monday. Cheers, Michelle
Anxiety, Let’s Talk.
Anxiety, Let’s Talk. I know you stem from a plethora of things rooted in my childhood and adolescence, and even young adulthood, but that’s not really what I want to talk about. I wanted to sit down and talk with you because I hope that once you see how you affect me, you might ease…
Hey CNY
Hey CNY, You have ruined me for natural disasters and inclement weather. In 2012, my first Fall in NYC, when Super Storm Sandy was being broadcast everywhere, I scoffed. Hurricanes! Just a little rain and wind this far north! Turned out I was in at the edge of Zone 2 and the school evacuated our…
Yo! Two glasses of wine!
Yo! Two glasses of wine! I know I am not a karaoke star and that this is not a movie. Stop trying to convince me that the music piping in through my Beats is surround sound to my own personal music video. I will not dance around this subway car to Taylor Swift! I know…
Dear Butt
Dear Butt, I know you think you’re adorable and the center of the universe, but you’re not and you need to stop expanding and making my pants too tight. Also, just because I buy you cute underwear does not mean you are my favorite body part, so stop telling everyone that. My knees are getting…
Dear Fellow Feminists and Everyone Else
Dear Fellow Feminists and Everyone Else, Happy International Men’s Day. I am saying that un-ironically and hope that you can, too. There are a lot of people out there denigrating this day because “isn’t every day men’s day” and “this is like having a white history month.” Yes, if International Men’s Day applied to only…
Adulthood
Adulthood: You suck. Regards, Mid-twenties
Dear Me
Dear Me, Congratulations! You finished another year on this planet and are about to embark on another one. You survived. You did not kill anyone for chewing too loudly on the train. You did not punch anyone in the face for not taking off their fucking backpack on the train. And you still have all…
Little Gentian 