Anne came through the door to the apartment, calling out a distracted greeting as she shed her purse and kicked off her shoes. She shrugged out of her jacket and tossed it on the shoe rack as she made her way to the fridge to grab her juice. Opening the fridge she vaguely noted that Farley must have ordered Chinese for dinner because there were three takeout containers pushing her milk to the back of the fridge.
Uncapping her juice she turned and started because Farley was sitting at the table completely silent, staring at two small scraps of paper on the table. The look on her face was distressed.
“Far?” she inquired, carefully.
“I don’t know what I did,” Farley said, a note of desperation in her voice. “Anne, I don’t know what I did!”
“Farley, what are you talking about?” Anne walked up to the table and looked at the papers Farley was framing on three sides with her index fingers and thumbs. “Are those Chinese fortune cookie fortunes?”
“Yes!” Farley finally looked up at Anne. “I am never eating fortune cookies again!”
“What do they say?” Anne sat down across from her and took a sip of her juice.
“The first one I opened said: Your problem just got bigger,” Farley told her and Anne made a sound of amusement. “It’s not funny! The next one says: Think, what have you done. I don’t know what I did! I have been wracking my brain for hours and I can’t figure out what the fuck they are talking about!”
“Farley, they are just fortune cookies, it doesn’t mean anything,” Anne said, reaching out to pat Farley’s hand.
“Who does that!? Think, what have you done? It is driving me insane! What did I do?” Farley was frantic.
Anne paused, weighing her options and then pulled out her phone and pulled up a video in Youtube. Farley didn’t pay attention to her until after the first verse when the male vocalist sings loudly.
Her head snapped up and she scowled.
“You, good sir, are a bitch.”
Anne just laughed.
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As a story idea, it’s good. I would revise the first paragraph, it really doesn’t work well.
What do see as not working?
Anne was in her usual rush as she entered her apartment as she shed her purse, kicked off her shoes, and flopped her coat on the shoe rack next to the door. When she opened the frig door to grab her juice she noticed three cartons of food. “Farley, you bought Chinese again.” as she debated whether her juice would go with sweet and sour chicken.
Create an entrance, create some interest, create a little drama for your punch line. You packed those first three lines with so much stuff and filler, I lost interest. How trite, she “came through THE door. A distracted greeting implies that something was on her mind but you never say what it is. she vaguely noted the chinese food that Farley must have bought? How does one vaguely note the cartons of food pushing her mild to the rear? That first paragraph is confused with excess words. You are trying to pack in too much detail to little purpose. Or at least that is my impression. Hemingway would have had a fit reading that first paragraph.
I love the interaction between Farley and Anne. Farley freaking out over the vague horoscope-esq statements of fortune cookies was hilarious. Oh, Farley.
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Farley tries so hard. She just can’t understand why these things keep happening to her.