In the aftermath of Captain America Day, I figured it might be a good idea to grace all of you with the top 30 reasons for why it is inadvisable to date superhero(in)es. I am not saying that you should NEVER date supers, I am just saying, here are a few things to think about before becoming sexually or romantically involved with a superhero(in)e.
[In no particular order, except for number one because that’s my #1]
Note: This piece will be written using gender neutral pronouns (ze instead of he/she and hir instead of she/he and him/her) in order to make this non-heteronormative.
30) The “Oops” Factor
Most superhero(in)es have super strength and even if they don’t they work out all the time, know a shit ton of martial arts, and/or have some sort of crazy power/enhancement which leads to the “oops” factor and people, the “oops” factor can be deadly.
Let’s start with sex because I am a sexual person. Sex and super strength are terrifying and exhilarating all at once. Your superhero(ine) can bend and move in ways you never imagined possible. Ze can hold you up and move you around, but what if ze forgets you’re ordinary in the heat of the moment? Oops! Crushed pelvis from overenthusiastic thrusting or tightening hir legs too tight around your hips.
And what is an orgasm? “A series of uncontrollable muscle spasms” or, to quote Dr. Cameron of House, “Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight” (Occam’s Razor).
You could be burned to death, frozen, glued to the bed with spiderwebs, crushed underneath hundreds of pounds of muscles, have your dick cut off by spasming supermuscles, have something perforated by sperm shooting out at extreme speeds, break the bed, etc, etc. There is a good reason why the Hulk never has sex.
Then there’s outside the bedroom which will be covered under “Property Destruction.”