This is IT! THE NUMBER ONE REASON of the top 30 reasons for why normal people should not date a superhero(ine). Thank you so much for holding on tight through this extremely long journey! But do not despair or feel sad that we are coming to an end! I already have another equally fun series for this spot that will start next week!

Remember supers! This is all in good fun, BUT if you see yourself in these reasons you should consider altering your behavior in order to keep your beloved!

[In no particular order, except for number one because that’s my #1]

Note: This piece will be written using gender neutral pronouns (ze instead of he/she and hir instead of she/he and him/her) in order to make this non-heteronormative. I consider “bro” and “brah” gender neutral. I use them in my day to day life to refer to people of all gender identities.

1) Always Late

15 minutes early is on time.
On time is late.
If you’re late you’re fucked.

This is the mantra I live my life by. I don’t care what the weather is, I have to be there early. I will wait outside in the pouring rain, the driving snow, and brain-melting heat. I was a half an hour early to my first date with Brazilian Helicopter Pilot. I get into work 45 minutes early so I can organize myself for the day, I meditate, post on my blog, drink tea, and mentally prepare for eight hours of work. I am organized and controlled, calling my life rigid would be kind.

So you can see the fact that Superhero(in)es are ALWAYS late or have to cancel plans last minute is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Honestly, when I first conceived of this list many eons ago, it all started with me saying that I could never date a Superhero(ine) because they would never be on time for a date. I mean, sure, they would manage to be on time for one or two dates, but they don’t make their own schedule. They can’t help it if The Joker decides to blow up a ferry full of people or some idiot, mad scientist decides to unleash his mutant creations on downtown. They can’t help it, but I don’t have to date them.

“Well, Michelle!” you might crow. “The more for us!!” And I do invite you to take them all, snuggle up with your superhero(ine) who will randomly not answer your phone calls when you need them most, who will cancel anniversary dinner plans through text message because they are fighting monsters uptown, and who will come running up to the restaurant as you are leaving after waiting two hours begging for forgiveness. “Now Michelle,” you admonish. “You can’t blame them! They are Supers!” Ah! But do you know that? Most supers (#6 and #7) will not tell their significant other what their REAL passion is and leave you in the dark! So it’s not even like you are looking at your watch and thinking Hmmm, Alex is late, must be because ze is saving the world. No! You are shoving breadsticks in your mouth, drinking wine, and half-devastated, half-pissed-to-fucking-hell. You start to think ze is cheating on you, ze doesn’t love you as much as you do, ze doesn’t have as much invested in this relationship as you do. You start thinking about do you really want hir as a long-term significant other. Do you really want to expose your future child to this kind of callous neglect?

Being on time is all about respect. When you show up late it tells me you do not respect me, my time, or my emotional well-being.