Dear my love,
Haven’t you wanted to be with me? I know that I have longed for you and wished you here more times than I can count. This need has become an almost constant hum in the back of my mind. It is something that if I acknowledge or think about too long I fear I will go insane because I do not even know who you are and I am sure that we have never met, never spoken. This desperation is the stuff of trite love songs and destructive fiction, but yet I find myself indulging in the fantasy.
My family tells me that I will find “someone,” that “the one” is out there and more and more I find myself choking on air as I smother a scoff. As cynical as I feel on the surface there is actually a piece of me that thrives under these assurances and believes, truly believes, that there is someone out there for me. It is a strange, childish, naïve, optimistic, and terribly idealistic part of me that endures every blow reality lands on the little world it has constructed. It is the child that fell asleep staring at castles so she could dream of someone who loved her enough to build her one.
I have dreamt of a place for you and I and it is not a castle. I don’t know where it is, but I know it could be anywhere because its essence is you and I. I imagine pieces of it – hardwood floors under bare feet, homemade quilts in a basket or a closet to cuddle under, a veritable nest/den of blankets on our bed, a counter for me to sit on so you can stand between my knees and kiss me, and a key holder with a place for our cellphones, a collar and leash hanging on the pegs and a small shelf below it.
Outside of the physical elements I imagine a place of safety, a haven, a shelter. A lack of knowledge is not disparaged here, maybe lightly teased with a fond smile and a kiss. It is where trust can be given fully and completely, where the burden of choice and decision and responsibility can be shed for a few hours at a time. And dear my love, haven’t you longed to be free like this? To be in a place where your needs complement mine and we can be what the other needs to weather the world outside? I don’t know what you will need, but my love I want to be able to give it to you without compromising myself. I want you to be able to unlock your heart, drop your guard and know that no one’s left to stop you now. There is only us.
But there is such a long way for me to go to reach a place where any of this will be even remotely possible. I feel as though I am already at a point where I’ve dreamt of this so long ai cannot dream anymore. Please, let us meet soon.
With eternal, but dwindling hope,