#2 – You Look Better than I Do

This is number two of the top 30 reasons for why normal people should not date a superhero(ine). Remember supers! This is all in good fun, BUT if you see yourself in these reasons you should consider altering your behavior in order to keep your beloved!

[In no particular order, except for number one because that’s my #1]

Note: This piece will be written using gender neutral pronouns (ze instead of he/she and hir instead of she/he and him/her) in order to make this non-heteronormative. I consider “bro” and “brah” gender neutral. I use them in my day to day life to refer to people of all gender identities.

2) You Look Better than I Do

Yes, I am aware this is kind of an assholish reason to not date someone, but think about it, do you really want to date something that attractive. Okay, no really, think about it. I know a lot of you all shoved your hands up into the air like YES PLEASE ME, PICK ME! But think about it, even the most secure person would eventually get insecure with these people! Superman’s hair is NEVER out of place, it’s always perfect. I wake up in the morning and it’s a crap shoot whether or not my hair looks like a nest, a dead animal, or something half-way passable. These people have got like the CLEAREST skin ever! [Side note: people who like picking ingrown hairs, popping pimples, and eradicating blackheads should never date a superhero(ine). I am looking at some VERY specific people here – YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.] Who here hasn’t woken up with the nastiest, most painful zit/pimple right before something important?

The other thing is, unless you’re another superhero(ine) everyone is going to be looking at you and thinking “what is that person doing them? They could do so much better.” I understand that this really is not about the superhero(ine) and is all about the significant other being secure enough in themselves and their relationship, but DAMN that level of security is supremely hard to come by! I feel like if I had to wake up every morning to a perfect face I would probably end up screaming. Can you imagine, pouring a cup of coffee and they come up next to you all sparkly and bright, and pretty EVEN WHEN THEY ARE GRUMPY MORNING ASSHOLES!?!?!?!? UGGGGGHHHH! Nope, all the nope. Nothing that attractive before my first cup!

Also, they have insane metabolisms. You eat what your partner eats so if you’re dating a superpowered superhero(ine) you’d probably gain 50 pounds and they’re all sleek and svelte, because they can digest everything in a snap. Fuck that noise. It’s hard enough to keep happy relationship weight off with a normal person. If you’re dating one of those self-made superhero(in)es who has to work out all the time and eat healthy, you’ll just kill them because they’re eating carrots and chugging protein shakes while doing the salmon ladder bullshit (yes, I am looking at you, Oliver Queen, you and your RIDICULOUS BODY).

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