Dear Jane,

As magical as you make Utah sound, alas I must decline. I need my booze, coffee, and sex shops. Porn and vibrators are also necessary, although Patrick explained to me last night that watching porn online is the easiest way to give people access to your computer. He was outlining the finer points of how hackers overload servers to shut down websites. Apparently hackers can use your computer to access sites without you knowing it, which leads to your computer running really slow. I had a half a second where I considered going cold turkey on my casual porn habit, then decided, nah, knocking a few websites offline and having my computer run a little slower is totally worth it.

In regards to the sugar detox, I love you, but hell no. If you do not have sugar for me when I visit you, I will get right…