Okay Folks! I had a really fun V-day so I’m going to stretch its magnificence over a couple posts! So let’s start off with bed bugs. I had a bed bug scare a while ago and it was a nightmare. My skin was crawling and I spent weeks covered in horrible bites ready to cry at the drop of a hat. But today I found out that not only are bed bugs nasty bed mates, they are the biggest assholes.

He fucking STABS her with his PENIS. What. The. Ever. Loving. Fuck. And if that’s not enough, they’ll dump their junk in other dudes to get them to impregnate the female with the WRONG sperm. Wrong. Wrong on so many different levels. My friend and I have decided that bed bugs are horrible, terrible people and should never be tolerated.

So most of humanity is under the gross misunderstanding that animals have sex only for procreation and they do it only with the opposite sex. Oh, no, no, no my dears. Here’s a little something for you. Dolphins – sweet, innocent, squeaking, frolicking, cute dolphins (Amazon river dolphins to be exact) have fucking BLOWHOLE sex. That’s right. The dude dolphin just pops his lovestick into his partner’s blowhole. It’s sort of like oral sex I guess, but it’s more like shoving it up someone’s nose? Hey lover, c’mere and put your dick in my nose. No really. In case you’re having trouble picturing it, the Museum of Sex has a sculpture for you.

I have pretty much zero issues with nose sex, as long as it is between two consenting parties, but I don’t think I can get behind bed bugs. I might be prejudiced from the last time they tried to ruin my life.