#5 – Arch-enemies, Nemeses, and Villians, Oh My! And Everyone Wants You Dead

This is number five (OMG FIVE) of the top 30 reasons for why normal people should not date a superhero(ine). Remember supers! This is all in good fun, BUT if you see yourself in these reasons you should consider altering your behavior in order to keep your beloved!

[In no particular order, except for number one because that’s my #1]

Note: This piece will be written using gender neutral pronouns (ze instead of he/she and hir instead of she/he and him/her) in order to make this non-heteronormative. I consider “bro” and “brah” gender neutral. I use them in my day to day life to refer to people of all gender identities.

5) Arch-enemies, Nemeses, and Villains, Oh My! And Everyone Wants You Dead

So we have already discussed the problem of everyone wanting ME, the significant other, dead, now we need to talk about the fact that everyone wants YOU dead. If you can get over your high chances of being killed off to motivate your superhero(ine) to put on hir adult britches and fix shit, you then have to jump the hurdle of really wrapping your brain around the fact that what feels like most of the world wants your significant other dead. Almost no one is on hir side, just look at Civil War and Peter Parker. I would say that if you are not comfortable dating a cop, firefighter, EMT, or military personnel, you probably should not date a superhero(ine).

As someone who has in the past dated a soldier, I can tell you it’s not easy. I wasn’t even dating him when he was deployed and it was hard. Because suddenly the news about Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and Afghanistan became very very real. It also really kills your ability to watch ANY military movies without melting down – goodbye Blackhawk Down (obvious exception being Tropic Thunder). My ex asked me at one point, in all seriousness, “Are you okay dating a soldier?” I looked him dead in the eye and said, “I’m not dating a soldier – I’m dating you.” Great line right? I thought so, and I also believed it at the time. We didn’t break up because he was a soldier, but by the time we parted ways I could understand why it was something that needed to be taken into account before you got into a relationship with a soldier/cop/firefighter/EMT/Military Person. It changes you.

BUT! Bringing this back to the superhero(in)es. Everyone wants them dead and they very rarely have any sort of backup, which means that any time you hear about a shooting downtown, the sky turns black and aliens come raining down from a huge hole in the sky, or it’s Tuesday, you’ll be panicking and wondering if your superhero(ine) is fighting, being attacked, or dead.

It doesn’t help that every superhero(ine) has an ARCH-NEMESIS! HUZZAH I SHALL MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE! This would add stress to any relationship. Arch-nemeses are worse than exes. There are some really bad exes, but most of them don’t spend all day in a lair plotting to murder your significant other, you, and the world with their advanced thermonuclear dynamics/nano-technology engineering/quantum physics/whatever-the-fuck degree. Arch-nemesis also have much further reaching resources. It’s annoying when that ex shows up at the same bar/restaurant you’re celebrating your one year anniversary at with hir sex-toy of a rebound, but Arch-nemeses ruin every holiday – even the ones you have never heard of before. Plus people die, which leads to your super being guilty, which leads to you saying ze should get therapy, which leads to hir refusing to go and to talk about it, which typically ends in breaking up.

I wish there was some kind of way around the arch-nemesis conundrum, but all I can say is, maybe invite hir to every event? Kind of takes the wind out of your sails when you are invited to the thing you were going to crash with all your fury. You’ll get a lot of shitty gifts though.

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